Wedding 0.5 - Royal Wedding themed mini-madness!

My Mum is officially mad – today she made me go into her class of 5 year olds and be the official photographer whilst they acted out the royal wedding. There was Will and Kate, Harry as Best Man, four bridesmaids and the father of the bride, a ring, a cake, flowers, balloons and bunting. She even managed to rope in our poor local priest to take the ceremony. They walked down the aisle to the wedding march in front of the whole school and cut the cake in the playground reception which involved crisps, pink wafers and jammy dodgers! She even made me wear a dress for the occasion. Needless to say the children loved it, I wasn’t so sure.....

Wedding 1: 21 weeks to go DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Wedding number one takes place on 3^rd September in Shrewsbury which is just under 5 months away.  Having been in Australia since the happy couple became engaged I’ve not really been involved in any planning. I was consulted over the bridesmaids’ dresses which will be floor length and, hunter green (otherwise known as St Edmund’s bogie green, the colour of my school uniform).

A week or so ago I received an email from my bridesmaid colleague stating that she had ordered her bridesmaid dress and that I should probably get a move on if I want mine altered in time for the big day. Grudgingly I dug out the old tape measure and did a quick 1, 2, 3 of bust, waist and hips. Balking slightly at quite how large they sound when in centimetres I called the wedding shop and prepared to put in my order. Now, I am not by any means skinny and I did put on a fair bit of weight, about a stone in fact, whilst I was in Australia (I blame homesickness comfort eating and my insatiable sweet tooth); but normally for a dress I would fit in about a UK size 12 so imagine my shame, disgust and outrage when the helpful and slightly baffled shop lady told me that I would have to order a size 18!! She clearly sensed my misery when she suggested that perhaps I would like to pop into the shop and have her measure me ‘properly’ (clearly I can’t be trusted with something so complex as a tape measure!) I reluctantly agreed and made an appointment for the following Monday.

I can, it turns out, use a tape measure effectively after all, those five years spent at university clearly paid off! Triumphantly I pointed out that those were the same measurements that I had given over the phone not realising that in fact that meant that I was indeed the dreaded size 18. The kind lady, still slightly baffled, pointed out that when ordering a dress order the dress in the size that fits your largest sized part so in my case although my bust is only a mere size 12, I have a size 18 waist and so the dress must be ordered in a size 18. I just don’t understand how, in the short space between my bust and my waist, and it is short I am only 5ft 2inches tall; I can jump up three whole dress sizes. It just doesn’t make sense. Clearly there is a conspiracy amongst bridesmaid dress makers to make bridesmaids feel rubbish and brides feel smug and skinny. All in all it’s very upsetting for a body-conscious weight obsessed permanent dieter. Contrary to all strong urges I didn’t give any creative suggestions as to where the dress could be shoved nor did I run to the hills screaming at the top of my lungs, I didn’t even scarper to the nearest airport and jump on the first available flight to a far flung destination. No, I sucked it up and dutifully handed over my credit card only flinching once or twice when the poor woman wrote out the receipt...perhaps I am developing a mature sense of inner poise, it is only a number after all...nah I went home and, rather counter productively, drowned the inner poise in half a box of Celebrations. HOORAH!

Five Weddings & No Funerals

Writing about five different weddings is going to get pretty confusing so I'm going to make it easier for myself and anyone silly enough to read my nonsense by giving a run down of each wedding and the key players.

Wedding 1 - Sept 2011
This is the wedding of one of my housemates from university, for simplicity we'll call her Bride 1. She met her intended, Groom 1, whilst we were in our final year at Bath University. She is currently training to be a doctor and is therefore uber busy and impossible to get hold of. I am one of a trio of bridesmaids, the other two are her sister, who lives in New Zealand, and our other ex-housemate, who is also Bride 3. Bride 1 announced her engagement and asked us to be bridesmaids via a Facebook message and since then I've hardly heard a peep out of her. To be fair, I have been living in Australia, so am mildly out of the loop despite this being the electronic age of communication. Bride 1 is slightly hopeless at keeping in touch at the best of times, I think we've all been together a grand total of 4 times since we left Bath 6 years ago so me and Bride 3 were a bit baffled to be asked to be bridesmaids to be honest. My key responsibilities on the day will be to wear the dress (hunter green, strapless and floor length), hold the flowers, smile and then not get too drunk, cry or fall over. I'm waiting for my proper brief at a weekend of planning to be held in May.

Wedding 2 - October 2011
Bride 2 and I have been friends since we were eight; we went to the same primary school, secondary school and college, Brownies, Guides and tennis lessons. I am meeting Groom 2 for the first time later today, they got together whilst I was away so I haven't had the pleasure yet. My main responsibility for this one is to do a reading but I also have a few more; look fabulous in a dress of my choice (woop woop to not being a bridesmaid), not get too drunk, cry or fall or fall over and generally have a marvellous time with all my lovely friends.

Wedding 3 - December 2011
I'm excited about this one, it'll be my first winter wedding and between two of my favourite people. Bride 3 is another housemate from university and she met Groom 3 whilst we were in our first year. I'm going to be bridesmaid along with her sister, we start dress shopping this weekend. Apparently my main responsibilities are to prevent the hen night from devloving into a horrible sordid affair with naked waiters, strippers and sex toys and to look after Mother of the Bride 3 on the day and stop her freaking out. The usual try not to not get too drunk, cry or fall or fall over also applies.


Wedding 4 - Aug 2012
This is the BIG one - Bride 4 is my little sister and bestest friend. I have so many responsibilities for this one that I can't list them. Mostly though I am the Chief Bridesmaid, hen weekend organiser and general wedding planner. The other two bridesmaids are our best friends that we grew up with, also sisters and we have a flower girl who is Groom 4's goddaughter. It's going to be great fun with all our family and friends there. Groom 4 is in the Navy so there will be officers in uniform everywhere complete with ceremonial swords (used for cutting the cake!?!) and they're going to have the reception in a lovely old building in the dockyard. It's going to be a beautiful day...


Wedding 5 - Sept 2012
Last but in no way least, is the wedding of one of my best friends. There aren't many details yet but it's going to be lovely. The best thing is that I have no responsibilities at all, as long as I'm there she'll be happy!


So they're the weddings in a nutshell, apologies that it doesn't make very interesting reading. More wedding based humiliation to come soon.....

Notes on being a Bridesmaid – The proposals...

I have been asked to be a bridesmaid at three out of the five weddings.  Well I say asked, does a Facebook message count as being asked? That was Bride 1, Bride 3 did it properly with an intercontinental Skype conversation and Bride 4 didn’t need to ask me, she’s my sister so naturally I am the Maid of Honour or Chief Bridesmaid or whatever it is these days. Actually I prefer Chief, it appeals to my ego and gives me a sense of power rather that making me feel like the tragic spinster I am! Bride 2 is making me do a reading. I’m not a natural choice considering public speaking of any kind makes me break out in hives but, as she keeps pointing out much to my dismay, I am her oldest friend. By that she means I’ve served the longest, over 20 years actually, so naturally I must read in the church. The only request that I’ve received from Bride 5 is that I dress up as a slug for her hen party...she was under the influence of many cosmopolitans at the time and therefore can’t be taken seriously...I hope.

Can you sense my excitement at the prospect of being so involved on these special days? The more I talk to people the more the feeling of dread grows. There is a multitude of stories about vile dresses, unreasonable bridezillas, excessively expensive hen weekends etc etc etc. Firstly I am not a girly girl, I’ve never had so much as a manicure in my life. I don’t feel at home in dresses or heels with mad hair and too much makeup; I like jeans and trainers.  Secondly I do not like people looking at me and judging, which is of course what all guests do at weddings, I myself am guilty of doing it. Lastly I don’t have a plus one to bring along to make the whole experience more bearable. I will be flying solo which is perhaps the toughest part especially at the weddings where I don’t really know anyone other than the happy couple. There’s nothing quite like celebrating how happy other people are to make you feel a bit alone and crappy.

That’s not to say that I’m not touched and honoured to be asked, I love all the brides dearly and there’s no way that I would refuse any of them anything. I don’t want to appear the ungrateful bitch; I know that they didn’t have to ask me, that out of all the people they know, it’s me that they want standing next to them on the biggest day of their lives, what could be a greater tribute to friendship? If they really want me tottering up the aisle behind them, getting drunk and crying whilst dancing to Tragedy on my own, then that’s what they shall have. I will wear the dress and the shoes, let them put hairspray in my hair and 3 layers of mascara on my lashes, I will hold dresses up in the toilet, I will chat to grannies and dance with small children, hell I’ll even catch the bouquet if necessary and I’ll do it all with a big happy smile on my face because that’s what best friends do!

I draw the line however, at dressing like a slug...