Hen Party 1: 4 days to go

The preparations for Bride 1's hen party have hit fever pitch. With the Chief Bridesmaid en route from New Zealand the majority of the work has fallen to us lesser mortal bridesmaids. My week is shaping up to look like this:

Monday

• Job interview for really good job that I'd love

Tuesday

• Get up early to buy tax for car which ran out two days previously
• Pick up parcels from Post Office (for hen party 3)
• Go to two different supermarkets to buy ingredients for baking for hen party
• Get bridesmaid dress fitted 
• Go to different shopping centre to try on potential dress for Wedding 2
• Learn how to make meringue
• Practice baking for the hen party

Wednesday

• Make up mix CDs of cheerful songs to play at the hen party
• Finish sorting out my room and do laundry

Thursday

• Bake butterfly cookie lollies for the hen party bags
• Bake mini chocolate cupcakes
• Fill party bag with goodies for the hens

Friday

• Prepare mini lemon meringue and strawberry cheesecake pies
• Decorate butterfly cookies
• Ice cupcakes
• Buy helium balloons
• Drive to Rugby with baked goods and balloons safely in the boot
• Distract Bride whilst we sneak surprise mystery guest into her house (her sister who is chief bridesmaid and supposed to be travelling in Asia on her way home from living in New Zealand for the last two years)
• Bridesmaid sleepover
• Freak out because I haven't heard about the perfect job yet

Saturday

• Get up at the crack of dawn
• Drive 4 complete strangers to the canal
• Have a lesson in driving a narrowboat
• Decorate said narrowboat with balloons and banners
• Drive narrowboat for 3 hours to the nearest pub for lunch whilst the hens drink pink fizz and eat cupcakes
• Drive narrowboat back again
• Drive 4 not-so-strangers back to Bride's house
• Cook BBQ and mix cocktails for the hens
• Be a gracious hostess (ie try not to get drunk and embarrass self in front of new friends or fall asleep in the corner)
• Wrap Bride in toilet paper wedding dress
• Play other cringingly embarrassing hen party games that I am yet to research
• Wash up and generally clean up
• Collapse into bed (hopefully!)

Sunday

• Bridesmaid day of fun (yet to be determined fun)
• Drive home again

Shouldn't be too hard or much work, right?! What could possibly go wrong?? Well I was thinking about this in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep before the job interview and wrote a little list:

1. Bride thinks it's all a lame idea, hates it and is disappointed
2. Mystery guest surprise goes all wrong or someone lets the cat out of the bag
3. Hens don't get on and are stuck on a very small boat for six hours of awkwardness
4. Boat crashes or sinks or refuses to move
5. We balls up the locks and have to get rescued, and end up looking ridiculous
6. Canal is ugly, boat is horrid and pub is non-existent
7. All the baking gets destroyed in the car or is just generally vile
8. Being unable to drink all day because of driving duties will make me very in need of a drink by the time we get back to the Bride's house and I get sloshed whilst cooking the BBQ and embarrass the Bride who promptly disowns me
9. So tired from all mad preparations, sleepless nights of worrying, getting up early and rushing around like a blue arse fly that there will be no energy left for small talk - will be miserable antisocial cow with eyebags the size of shopping trolleys and will probably cry
10. We give all the guests food poisoning with the BBQ food

Surprisingly enough writing this list didn't cure the insomnia, I expect it made it worse! To top it off I had a chat with my bridesmaid counterpart who will be joining me in this list of joy, she has chewed off all her fingernails. We make quite a pair but at least we're in it together! 

If I survive this weekend I will be giving a full report next week!

Notes on being a Bridesmaid – The proposals...

I have been asked to be a bridesmaid at three out of the five weddings.  Well I say asked, does a Facebook message count as being asked? That was Bride 1, Bride 3 did it properly with an intercontinental Skype conversation and Bride 4 didn’t need to ask me, she’s my sister so naturally I am the Maid of Honour or Chief Bridesmaid or whatever it is these days. Actually I prefer Chief, it appeals to my ego and gives me a sense of power rather that making me feel like the tragic spinster I am! Bride 2 is making me do a reading. I’m not a natural choice considering public speaking of any kind makes me break out in hives but, as she keeps pointing out much to my dismay, I am her oldest friend. By that she means I’ve served the longest, over 20 years actually, so naturally I must read in the church. The only request that I’ve received from Bride 5 is that I dress up as a slug for her hen party...she was under the influence of many cosmopolitans at the time and therefore can’t be taken seriously...I hope.

Can you sense my excitement at the prospect of being so involved on these special days? The more I talk to people the more the feeling of dread grows. There is a multitude of stories about vile dresses, unreasonable bridezillas, excessively expensive hen weekends etc etc etc. Firstly I am not a girly girl, I’ve never had so much as a manicure in my life. I don’t feel at home in dresses or heels with mad hair and too much makeup; I like jeans and trainers.  Secondly I do not like people looking at me and judging, which is of course what all guests do at weddings, I myself am guilty of doing it. Lastly I don’t have a plus one to bring along to make the whole experience more bearable. I will be flying solo which is perhaps the toughest part especially at the weddings where I don’t really know anyone other than the happy couple. There’s nothing quite like celebrating how happy other people are to make you feel a bit alone and crappy.

That’s not to say that I’m not touched and honoured to be asked, I love all the brides dearly and there’s no way that I would refuse any of them anything. I don’t want to appear the ungrateful bitch; I know that they didn’t have to ask me, that out of all the people they know, it’s me that they want standing next to them on the biggest day of their lives, what could be a greater tribute to friendship? If they really want me tottering up the aisle behind them, getting drunk and crying whilst dancing to Tragedy on my own, then that’s what they shall have. I will wear the dress and the shoes, let them put hairspray in my hair and 3 layers of mascara on my lashes, I will hold dresses up in the toilet, I will chat to grannies and dance with small children, hell I’ll even catch the bouquet if necessary and I’ll do it all with a big happy smile on my face because that’s what best friends do!

I draw the line however, at dressing like a slug...