Notes on being a Bridesmaid – The proposals...

I have been asked to be a bridesmaid at three out of the five weddings.  Well I say asked, does a Facebook message count as being asked? That was Bride 1, Bride 3 did it properly with an intercontinental Skype conversation and Bride 4 didn’t need to ask me, she’s my sister so naturally I am the Maid of Honour or Chief Bridesmaid or whatever it is these days. Actually I prefer Chief, it appeals to my ego and gives me a sense of power rather that making me feel like the tragic spinster I am! Bride 2 is making me do a reading. I’m not a natural choice considering public speaking of any kind makes me break out in hives but, as she keeps pointing out much to my dismay, I am her oldest friend. By that she means I’ve served the longest, over 20 years actually, so naturally I must read in the church. The only request that I’ve received from Bride 5 is that I dress up as a slug for her hen party...she was under the influence of many cosmopolitans at the time and therefore can’t be taken seriously...I hope.

Can you sense my excitement at the prospect of being so involved on these special days? The more I talk to people the more the feeling of dread grows. There is a multitude of stories about vile dresses, unreasonable bridezillas, excessively expensive hen weekends etc etc etc. Firstly I am not a girly girl, I’ve never had so much as a manicure in my life. I don’t feel at home in dresses or heels with mad hair and too much makeup; I like jeans and trainers.  Secondly I do not like people looking at me and judging, which is of course what all guests do at weddings, I myself am guilty of doing it. Lastly I don’t have a plus one to bring along to make the whole experience more bearable. I will be flying solo which is perhaps the toughest part especially at the weddings where I don’t really know anyone other than the happy couple. There’s nothing quite like celebrating how happy other people are to make you feel a bit alone and crappy.

That’s not to say that I’m not touched and honoured to be asked, I love all the brides dearly and there’s no way that I would refuse any of them anything. I don’t want to appear the ungrateful bitch; I know that they didn’t have to ask me, that out of all the people they know, it’s me that they want standing next to them on the biggest day of their lives, what could be a greater tribute to friendship? If they really want me tottering up the aisle behind them, getting drunk and crying whilst dancing to Tragedy on my own, then that’s what they shall have. I will wear the dress and the shoes, let them put hairspray in my hair and 3 layers of mascara on my lashes, I will hold dresses up in the toilet, I will chat to grannies and dance with small children, hell I’ll even catch the bouquet if necessary and I’ll do it all with a big happy smile on my face because that’s what best friends do!

I draw the line however, at dressing like a slug...